10 days in Queensland done. Have been on the water (and the piss) for most of it, so not much time to put anything here for the masses of people who undoubtedly tune in every couple of days. Links to photos of diving on the left.
Carry on.
Start again
Cairns (pronounced Keens). 30th Agust - 9th September 2007. I may update this, i may not. But then nobody is going to read it anyway so who cares.
Finally
So this is my last post because i´m tired and i´m grumpy cos it´s already half one and i haven´t had a beer yet today. Guatemala is fantastic, apart from the hippies. We had one camp on top of a 1300 year old monument all night and then get pissed off he was kicked off at 5am by shotgun wielding security. He was a full-on hippy as well, no shirt, no shoes, cheese-cloth trousers, handful of clothes wrapped in a sheet tied to a stick, bongo drum etc. Knob.
Antigua is beautiful, kind of like Spain, and Atitlan is really nice, like Como, without the Italians and the money. Dived in the lake there so now have an altitude diving specialty, but given that most altitude lakes are glacier fed, i don´t know that i´ll be rushing out to put it to use anytime soon. Tikal was amazing, Mayan ruins in various stages of disrepair and restoration, buried in, and towering above the jungle. I think i will need to go back there someday.
Beer of the trip: Negro Modello - we´ll be getting The Budd St. Brewery to try and mimic that sometime.
Twat of the trip: English cockhead travelling with a skateboard, a bodyboard, a rugby ball, a football, mask, snorkel, fins and, only marginally cheaper than all of the above, his girlfriend.
Timezone of the trip: Chicago time.
Back in Melbourne next week. I might throw some stuff up here in the future for the 2 people who have been reading it. As you were.
Antigua is beautiful, kind of like Spain, and Atitlan is really nice, like Como, without the Italians and the money. Dived in the lake there so now have an altitude diving specialty, but given that most altitude lakes are glacier fed, i don´t know that i´ll be rushing out to put it to use anytime soon. Tikal was amazing, Mayan ruins in various stages of disrepair and restoration, buried in, and towering above the jungle. I think i will need to go back there someday.
Beer of the trip: Negro Modello - we´ll be getting The Budd St. Brewery to try and mimic that sometime.
Twat of the trip: English cockhead travelling with a skateboard, a bodyboard, a rugby ball, a football, mask, snorkel, fins and, only marginally cheaper than all of the above, his girlfriend.
Timezone of the trip: Chicago time.
Back in Melbourne next week. I might throw some stuff up here in the future for the 2 people who have been reading it. As you were.
Death
You have to die of something. Death, usually. Shame, sometimes. A broken heart, if your life is a certain class of period drama. An t-Ocras maybe, if you were Peig´s parents´ generation, An t-Olc if you were Peig´s generation, and most likely by your own hand if you had anything to do with the woman herself. It came to me in a dream however, that am destined to expire slowly and painfully over many years in the tortuous hell that is Death By James Blunt, although not before i´ve made every effort to preemptively return the favour. Like Death By Shakira, and the now banned Death By Mark Morrison, Death By James Blunt kills by slowly but persistantly removing your will to live, one whiny fucking verse at a time. Yes, in that nasally pleading twang reserved for 14-year old girls - and Merkins of all ages - the world over, he is systematically invading every holiday i take. Will somebody please put me out of his misery.
So we went to Costa Rica in search of turtles for Deb. No luck, but we did spend a lot of time on small uncomfortable boats going places. The country is nice, geared for tourists, and not quite devoid enough of Merkins for my tastes. I´m sure i´ll be back, either to pass through it at speed to get to Panama, or to traffic drugs. Separate blogs for those trips when they happen.
as you were.
So we went to Costa Rica in search of turtles for Deb. No luck, but we did spend a lot of time on small uncomfortable boats going places. The country is nice, geared for tourists, and not quite devoid enough of Merkins for my tastes. I´m sure i´ll be back, either to pass through it at speed to get to Panama, or to traffic drugs. Separate blogs for those trips when they happen.
as you were.
Further brief update
After an abortive couple of days trying to get ourselves sorted in the west/north of panama, we decided feck this (for a game of soldiers) and crossed the border to costa rica. The plan was diving (the visibility is rubbish and the operators cowboys) and turtles (they don't nest on a Sunday apparently), so the end result was beer at 9:30am and a border crossing straight out of Stand By Me. With no guidebook and less of a clue we managed to track down the sleepy stoned town of Cahuita, and the rather brilliant German Willy - all obvious jokes aside from the Irish thank you. The West Indies influence makes it... "tahn ze fachink radio doon mon".
Thanks to German Willy we are spending tomorrow evening on a beach with Leatherback Turtles. Deb is beside herself with excitement, and i'm hoping they have some good ganga. Photos up now as well.
As you were. Liam have you played football yet?
Thanks to German Willy we are spending tomorrow evening on a beach with Leatherback Turtles. Deb is beside herself with excitement, and i'm hoping they have some good ganga. Photos up now as well.
As you were. Liam have you played football yet?
Newsflash
... thanks Tom, I'm standing here in a small Mexican fishing village where it appears a man travelling on an Israeli passport was last night detained by police for having fun. We understand the Israeli government had requested intervention in the case. At a hearing this morning the man claimed that he was a dual passport holder and that he had in fact been having the alledged fun in question on his "other passport". An off-the-record statement from Tel Aviv officials suggested that if he was only half-Israeli, he should only have been having half-fun. That just about sums it up. Back to you Tom.
Update
There are three types of people i don't like, tight people, racists, and the Swiss. Swiss people, by virtue of being all three of these things, are at a distinct disadvantage in my book. Similarly, Israelis, most Americans and bar staff who are incapable of taking more than one drink order at a time are also all three of the above listed, and won't be getting any invites to my wedding. Weddings, i have discovered, are no longer big extravagant excuses for the mother of all hoolies, rather they are an excuse for 6-9 months of therapy (with a possible nervous breakdown or three) and a unique way to piss everybody off, whether the feckin thing goes ahead or not.
The end of Mexico was cool, spent a couple of days on a beach pretending to get a tan - pasty is the new tan, i am assured - before a night in Cancun. Cancun is really 2 towns, one 30km strip of resorts and hotels and drunk Merkins, and one small normal-ish mexican town with cheap beer and cheaper cigars. Not as cheap as Cozumel, which provided the celebratory - illegal when smoked - cubans for the menfolk after the not wedding.
Florida was Merkin. I should restrain myself from publishing too many details as who knows who will be reading this (Hello!, Vogue etc.). Full details over pints in Melbourne before, during and after Mayo beat Galway in the semi-final.
Now in Panama, and after a couple of days in Panama city, where my mother had fun, if generally panicked, eyes-closed-in-traffic fun. The place is great, went to the miraflores locks, but didn't see any ships go through. Spent a day diving in the north, saw a 70 drug-running plane which had crashed. Very very cool. Deb has decided bugger coral, she is goingto only dive wrecks from now on. Have now gone north/west to David, and will spend the next week in this province eating lobster i have to catch with my bare teeth, and baiting Merkins by speaking too quickly and using big words. They all think i am from Holland when i say "Ireland", which given my gangly frame, blond hair, dutch accent and sanctimonious nature is an easy mistake to make.
I'll stop now before i run out of people to insult. Will post some photos in the next few days.
This concludes the voting of the Central American jury. Tog go bog e.
c
The end of Mexico was cool, spent a couple of days on a beach pretending to get a tan - pasty is the new tan, i am assured - before a night in Cancun. Cancun is really 2 towns, one 30km strip of resorts and hotels and drunk Merkins, and one small normal-ish mexican town with cheap beer and cheaper cigars. Not as cheap as Cozumel, which provided the celebratory - illegal when smoked - cubans for the menfolk after the not wedding.
Florida was Merkin. I should restrain myself from publishing too many details as who knows who will be reading this (Hello!, Vogue etc.). Full details over pints in Melbourne before, during and after Mayo beat Galway in the semi-final.
Now in Panama, and after a couple of days in Panama city, where my mother had fun, if generally panicked, eyes-closed-in-traffic fun. The place is great, went to the miraflores locks, but didn't see any ships go through. Spent a day diving in the north, saw a 70 drug-running plane which had crashed. Very very cool. Deb has decided bugger coral, she is goingto only dive wrecks from now on. Have now gone north/west to David, and will spend the next week in this province eating lobster i have to catch with my bare teeth, and baiting Merkins by speaking too quickly and using big words. They all think i am from Holland when i say "Ireland", which given my gangly frame, blond hair, dutch accent and sanctimonious nature is an easy mistake to make.
I'll stop now before i run out of people to insult. Will post some photos in the next few days.
This concludes the voting of the Central American jury. Tog go bog e.
c
No Wedding a Success
Advance reports are that the No Wedding in Florida last week was a resounding success. In the true traidions of Irish weddings, it was a 4-day drinking session, remarkable only for the lack of ceremony to distract the select guest list in the middle. The not-bride and not-groom were in sparkling form as the big day failed to happen. There was plenty of emotion, and even tears from the blushing not-bride. The not-mother-in-law herself was quite overcome with parental protectiveness. More as we find it, back to you Tom...
From me to you.
Following a litany (1) of complaints (snide remark) about the lack of posts on this page, i have finally decided to put something up. Coming to the end of Mexico now, this place is the dog´s mickey. Land of the long white pick-up truck, usually peopled by laughing moustachiod gentlemen with shotguns, some of whom are sometimes police. The food is great, the people are friendly, the ruins are spectacular and the weather is queensland. The only fault i have with the place is that i haven´t been raped in any of the places lonely planet said i would be, so i might have to write them an email when i get home to complain.
First up Mexico City, population somewhere between 25 and 40 million. The place is fantastic, crazy and nowhere near as dangerous as nearby ghetto Los Angeles. Following a Coyacan pub crawl, the bag carrier - Deb - and i made for Teotihuacan, an ancient Olmec, subsequently Aztec city about an hour outside. We made to climb the 3rd biggest pyramid in the world, beaten only by some naff thing in Egypt and some other one in Mexico that doesn´t look so much like a place of human sacrifice since the Catholics got their hands on it.
After we went to Palenque, in the south of the country, where we spent a day doing nothing, and a day rampaging over more ruins - Mayan this time - and enjoying a refreshing handful of beers beside an amazing waterfall complex at Aqua Azul. Palenque also seems to be a home from home for French people, which makes a change from too many goddam Merkins.
The last couple of days has been in Cozumel, the Caribbean Ko Samui. It´s nice if you can avoid the cruise ships (11 in 3 days) despatching thousands of giddy tat-buying Merkins onto the esplanade. The diving here is good, if not as spectacular as i was led to believe. We did, however, find the Mexican McDonnell´s, complete with corresponding interesting toiletting experience, and the Mexican Italian Waiters, right opposite the giant beer bottle i wanted to take home. Speaking of which, the beer here is great, except Corona, which is watered down goat piss. Now we leave to go to Tulum to relax on the beach for a couple of days, before heading to the soap opera that will be Miami. I might walk around and pretend to be Colin fkin Farrell for a couple of days and see if any hos suddenly appear by my side... Alternatively i might just spend 3 days drinking beer with my parents and sitting by the pool in the montrously overdecorated apartment complex we have booked.
Highlit quotes - all Merkin:
[nasally Texan drawl] "Don´t go to Thailand - except Phuket, you can get all your medical work done there real cheap, that´s the only reason to go to Thailand"
[godawful midwestern accent] "yeah Bali - bawlee - used to be rilly awful until they opened McDonalds and Starbucks, at least now you can get a decent cup of cawfee".
Take it easy,
colm
First up Mexico City, population somewhere between 25 and 40 million. The place is fantastic, crazy and nowhere near as dangerous as nearby ghetto Los Angeles. Following a Coyacan pub crawl, the bag carrier - Deb - and i made for Teotihuacan, an ancient Olmec, subsequently Aztec city about an hour outside. We made to climb the 3rd biggest pyramid in the world, beaten only by some naff thing in Egypt and some other one in Mexico that doesn´t look so much like a place of human sacrifice since the Catholics got their hands on it.
After we went to Palenque, in the south of the country, where we spent a day doing nothing, and a day rampaging over more ruins - Mayan this time - and enjoying a refreshing handful of beers beside an amazing waterfall complex at Aqua Azul. Palenque also seems to be a home from home for French people, which makes a change from too many goddam Merkins.
The last couple of days has been in Cozumel, the Caribbean Ko Samui. It´s nice if you can avoid the cruise ships (11 in 3 days) despatching thousands of giddy tat-buying Merkins onto the esplanade. The diving here is good, if not as spectacular as i was led to believe. We did, however, find the Mexican McDonnell´s, complete with corresponding interesting toiletting experience, and the Mexican Italian Waiters, right opposite the giant beer bottle i wanted to take home. Speaking of which, the beer here is great, except Corona, which is watered down goat piss. Now we leave to go to Tulum to relax on the beach for a couple of days, before heading to the soap opera that will be Miami. I might walk around and pretend to be Colin fkin Farrell for a couple of days and see if any hos suddenly appear by my side... Alternatively i might just spend 3 days drinking beer with my parents and sitting by the pool in the montrously overdecorated apartment complex we have booked.
Highlit quotes - all Merkin:
[nasally Texan drawl] "Don´t go to Thailand - except Phuket, you can get all your medical work done there real cheap, that´s the only reason to go to Thailand"
[godawful midwestern accent] "yeah Bali - bawlee - used to be rilly awful until they opened McDonalds and Starbucks, at least now you can get a decent cup of cawfee".
Take it easy,
colm
Entertainment Special!!!
The plot of Days of McGarry´s lives continues to defy logic and reality as eminent and handsome Hiberno-Antipodean Anthropologist Colm sees his predictions for his brother come true almost to the letter. The former future sister-in-law will surprise nobody by turning up at the beach condo in Florida during an emotional family reunion. As wittered by Colm at the stunning Laguna wedding last week to anyone who was prepared to listen, this would be the most and least surprising thing to happen since a deformed piece of sludge flopped out of the water in Cozumel, saw an opportunity and opened a shop selling Cohibas, "genuine" silver bracelets and the best white powder snorkelling since that scene in The Departed. Tune in next week for more.
Government Investigates
Officials from the Israeli Goverment reacted angrily today to allegations that a passport-holding citizen was seen deliberately having fun on the Caribbean Coast in Mexico. "This goes against everything we have striven for in Israel for the last 60 years" commented a drab bastard in a dull suit, "naturally we all hope the allegations are false" he droned, "but a full investigation has been launched." Attempts to track down the alledged wrong-doer have proved futile, as the crack dens and brothels of Cancun provide a plethora of easy hiding places for people not wishing to be found. A random survey on the streets of Tel Aviv revealed that 98% of people viewed the allegations as scurrilous rumour put about by the Palestinians, one woman said she said if it were true, it brought shame on the perpetrator´s family. "If this is true, it brings shame on the perpetrator´s family" she said. The remaining 2% said "God is great", which wasn´t an option on the survey.
LA
... one week, a glorious wedding, too many Merkins, one very excited Simon Thomas and a biblical hangover. Now in Mexico trying to nurse my liver back to health via the tequila therapy method.
Deb probably had more interesting stuff to say about it all, but the wedding was fantastic. Some photos will be online shortly if anyone can be fecked looking.
carry on
Deb probably had more interesting stuff to say about it all, but the wedding was fantastic. Some photos will be online shortly if anyone can be fecked looking.
carry on
DON'T PANIC.
My email introducing this blog might have suggested that all weddings are off. This is of course not the case. The Laguna knees-up involving Simon and Sinead is still on (oh it's on), but the one with The Brother and my former future sister-in-law is off.
carry on.
carry on.
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