Clarification.
Throwing real sheep would be novel. Telling me you've thrown a sheep at me, when clearly you haven't, is just naff.
Open letter to Brian Cowan
I sometimes wonder how much people want to read here, and how much i want to say. On the one hand, it's not like too many people read it, as opposed to my facebook page, which gets many thousands of visits a week from my bestest random new friends who feel a short message - accompanying a small animated photo - telling me that they have thrown a sheep at me is the funniest, and funnest thing imaginable. All this in spite of the fact that I have never put anything of any consequence on there, and that most people who read it still haven't twigged that my status updates aren't real.
On the other hand, does anybody really care?
On the other hand, does anybody really care?
Music is your what?!
There are songs that drive the rain from my memories. There are others that bring me back to times and places I was never in. I have never had my father drive me home by way of the N17, and I was too young to understand why anyone would want to know if it was raining in Paris tonight. I am cheating by identifying with songs written for a different time, a different world, different people. Am I? An emmigrant/immigrant by choice, I have little - if indeed anything - to back up any feeling of disaffection. Will i ever again feel like somewhere is home?
An nuacht, á léamh ag Dobbo.
Tonight:
- Sarkozy denies asset stripping plans in the wake of France's acquisition of Belgium.
- Uproar in the Likud as Israeli man jailed for having fun released early for good behaviour.
- US State department announces victory in the War On Terror, but concedes inevitable defeat in the War On General American Stupidity.
- And in sport, Mayo announce long-term genetic engineering plan to capture 2036 All-Ireland.
- But first the main story... The global financial crisis took another turn today after it was rumoured that Michael Grimes was thinking of returning to Australia.
While the news was generally greeted well in Antipodean markets overnight, there was some panic selling of CUB (Fosters) shares. The brewery had been slowly regaining market share following the 2007 departure of Michael Grimes, but his return is likely to hand competetive advantage back to rivals Coopers Brewery Ltd. A Coopers' spokesman said it was good news for Australia. A Victorian state government office has been set up to organise the welcome parade, and the hope locally is that the arrival will not clash with another major event which would have to be moved. Considerably more muted was the response at home. From Athlone, here's Síle.
- Thanks Brian, I'm here in Athlone where an emergency meeting of local publicans is ongoing. There is a sombre mood around the town in general and the feeling is that this will result in the biggest general staff turnover since the smoking ban was introduced. Here with me now is local TD, Mary O'Rourke. Mary, a dark day for Ireland?
- Well, indeed Síle, this is a tragedy for Ireland if it's true, and particularly for Athlone, and for small business in Westmeath in general, although we need to be aware that at this stage, it is only a rumour and that there has been no confirmation from Michael Grimes himself or anyone belonging to him, but you can be assured I'll be raising this with The Taoiseach and with Brian Lenihan as soon as possible, they can't be allowed to forget there are midlands jobs at stake here and with the current economic climate this can't be good for the region, and of course we shouldn't forget our friends across the water in Roscommon who will obviously also feel some impact.
- Thanks Mary, take a breath there. Brian.
- Former Minister Mary O'Rourke there talking with Síle Seoige. An unsubstatiated rumour it may still be, however the news was greeted with shock by investors. Guinness shares plummeted this morning. Plans for the new mega-brewery in Leixlip have been suspended, pending a full review of the implications of the move.
In other news...
- Sarkozy denies asset stripping plans in the wake of France's acquisition of Belgium.
- Uproar in the Likud as Israeli man jailed for having fun released early for good behaviour.
- US State department announces victory in the War On Terror, but concedes inevitable defeat in the War On General American Stupidity.
- And in sport, Mayo announce long-term genetic engineering plan to capture 2036 All-Ireland.
- But first the main story... The global financial crisis took another turn today after it was rumoured that Michael Grimes was thinking of returning to Australia.
While the news was generally greeted well in Antipodean markets overnight, there was some panic selling of CUB (Fosters) shares. The brewery had been slowly regaining market share following the 2007 departure of Michael Grimes, but his return is likely to hand competetive advantage back to rivals Coopers Brewery Ltd. A Coopers' spokesman said it was good news for Australia. A Victorian state government office has been set up to organise the welcome parade, and the hope locally is that the arrival will not clash with another major event which would have to be moved. Considerably more muted was the response at home. From Athlone, here's Síle.
- Thanks Brian, I'm here in Athlone where an emergency meeting of local publicans is ongoing. There is a sombre mood around the town in general and the feeling is that this will result in the biggest general staff turnover since the smoking ban was introduced. Here with me now is local TD, Mary O'Rourke. Mary, a dark day for Ireland?
- Well, indeed Síle, this is a tragedy for Ireland if it's true, and particularly for Athlone, and for small business in Westmeath in general, although we need to be aware that at this stage, it is only a rumour and that there has been no confirmation from Michael Grimes himself or anyone belonging to him, but you can be assured I'll be raising this with The Taoiseach and with Brian Lenihan as soon as possible, they can't be allowed to forget there are midlands jobs at stake here and with the current economic climate this can't be good for the region, and of course we shouldn't forget our friends across the water in Roscommon who will obviously also feel some impact.
- Thanks Mary, take a breath there. Brian.
- Former Minister Mary O'Rourke there talking with Síle Seoige. An unsubstatiated rumour it may still be, however the news was greeted with shock by investors. Guinness shares plummeted this morning. Plans for the new mega-brewery in Leixlip have been suspended, pending a full review of the implications of the move.
In other news...
This has been a while in coming, but...
Another month, another trip. Human cloning - or specifically, organ cloning - gets my seal of approval after a week in the aul sod. Like a crisp-packet of depleted uranium trapped in an iceberg floating ominously towards the equator, the Grimes wedding was always going to be messy. Dawn two nights running was probably not a good idea, although i will admit the jetlag helped with managing it. Two days relaxing (drinking) in Belmullet after and a quiet night (drinking) in Dublin capped it all off nicely.
~~~
s-PAIN
Travel tips # 149: Don't order spirits at the bar just as Spain score in a European Championship semi-final. We used to do pints of gin and tonic on paddy's day in college for the laugh, but this was a pint of gin with a bottle of tonic to swig out of alongside it.
Still, i have spied a new career path for me. I was in Paris in 2000, in Melbourne - the biggest Greek city outside of Greece - in 2004, and in Madrid in 2008. How much will the FAI pay me to be in Ireland in 2012? And if they won't, then feckit somebody else will.
~~~
Poxing Galway and poxing Padraig poxing Joyce.
~~~
s-PAIN
Travel tips # 149: Don't order spirits at the bar just as Spain score in a European Championship semi-final. We used to do pints of gin and tonic on paddy's day in college for the laugh, but this was a pint of gin with a bottle of tonic to swig out of alongside it.
Still, i have spied a new career path for me. I was in Paris in 2000, in Melbourne - the biggest Greek city outside of Greece - in 2004, and in Madrid in 2008. How much will the FAI pay me to be in Ireland in 2012? And if they won't, then feckit somebody else will.
~~~
Poxing Galway and poxing Padraig poxing Joyce.
Real world
There is little sexier than a chick with a guitar. Maybe a Japanese chick with a guitar. In a spa bath. That might be for another blog post. While i'm making sweeping generalisations, there is no better time of year in Melbourne than comedy festival time. Smack in a couple of gigs in the Rodrigo y Gabriela (chick, check; guitar, check) and the Datsuns (tight trousers, chick; token Ramones cover, chick; Spinal Tap guitarist, chick; silly New Zealand accents, chick) and it makes coming back after a long holiday that bit easier. All i have to do now is hang in with the new job until June and then Michael Grimes can do what Munster did to the All Blacks to my liver.
Game over
So another short trip comes to an end. Spent a week in ko Tao at the end with Lea, where she learned to dive. I first went to Tao in 2000 with Neil and Pete, and then Neil and i learned to dive, while Pete made sandcastle movie sets. For some reason, 7 years in Tibet is the only one i can remember. Anyway, it was nice to go back, to see how a place like that had/has changed. The place we dived is still there, albeit bigger and slicker looking than before. The beach we stayed at is more developed, complete with own private pool villa resorts. The 7 years in Tibet beach has been built to, on and eventually over as resorts and guesthouses run out of ways to expand inland. The stilt restaurant is still there, but the rickety wooden pylons holding it up have been replaced by concrete. The roads are all paved now.
I expected my nostalgia to be pissed on by the pace and scale of development, but it wasn't. I knew it would be different, but i'm glad i went back. I think that is my interest in asia mostly satisfied, except perhaps Japan. There is meant to be some spectacular diving off Sabah in Malaysia as well, but i don't know if i'll make it.
I expected my nostalgia to be pissed on by the pace and scale of development, but it wasn't. I knew it would be different, but i'm glad i went back. I think that is my interest in asia mostly satisfied, except perhaps Japan. There is meant to be some spectacular diving off Sabah in Malaysia as well, but i don't know if i'll make it.
Telstra announce sponsorship plan
Following on from their early withdrawal of sponsorship of football stadia Telstra Dome and Telstra Stadium, Telstra revealed their new corporate sponsorship direction. At a press conference this morning, it was announced that Telstra would, from January 1st 2009, be sponsoring Melbourne. Naming rights have been optioned for five years.
Full details of the plan are yet to be disclosed, while initial suggestions were that Melbourne would be renamed to "Telstra City", or simply "Telstra", but these were unfounded. It is expected that simply, "Telstra Melbourne" will be adopted as the new moniker. Guide books, maps and other tourist information will have to be updated accordingly. It is also unsure whether the naming rights extend to individual parts of Telstra Melbourne, or indeed whether individual parts of Telstra will be associated with certain suburbs or areas. Events could take place in the BigPond CBD, or on Operations Brunswick St.
Other, similar deals are expected to be revealed in the days ahead, but this announcement has overshadowed Vodafone's proposed sponsorship of St. Kilda. A senior Tesltra manager was quoted as saying "heroin and hookers... they can have it."
Mayor John So hailed the sponsorship as vital for the future of Telstra Melbourne.
Full details of the plan are yet to be disclosed, while initial suggestions were that Melbourne would be renamed to "Telstra City", or simply "Telstra", but these were unfounded. It is expected that simply, "Telstra Melbourne" will be adopted as the new moniker. Guide books, maps and other tourist information will have to be updated accordingly. It is also unsure whether the naming rights extend to individual parts of Telstra Melbourne, or indeed whether individual parts of Telstra will be associated with certain suburbs or areas. Events could take place in the BigPond CBD, or on Operations Brunswick St.
Other, similar deals are expected to be revealed in the days ahead, but this announcement has overshadowed Vodafone's proposed sponsorship of St. Kilda. A senior Tesltra manager was quoted as saying "heroin and hookers... they can have it."
Mayor John So hailed the sponsorship as vital for the future of Telstra Melbourne.
Diplomatic War Simmering
There were ugly scenes during question time in the Dail today as Minister for finance Brian Cowan said that Australia could "fuck politely off" with their plans to bring Michael Grimes back to the southern hemisphere. Order was eventually restored, but not before Opposition leader Enda Kenny was threatened with ejection for accusing deputy Cowan of being a Diageo stooge.
A Diageo Ireland spokesman refused to be drawn into the debate, before being drawn into the debate. He suggested that the "Grimes Effect" - as referred to by the Australians - was a well known, documented and understood trend in Irish brewing and that there were certain measures in place to mitigate its impact. 'Here though' he said 'we don't call it the "Grimes Effect" - that's a little crude - we refer to the Grimes Pint Capacity measure, or GPC.'
'The noticeable and predictable drop off in GPC when Michael Grimes is out of the country is offset by opening more plastic Oirish pubs in other countries, typically concentrating on those countries Michael Grimes happens to be going to' he continued 'but obviously that's something we need to plan for years in advance. As a result of this, Michael Grimes' travel plans are subject to a lengthy and considered series of checks and approvals at the highest level of Ericssons and of government, most of which are probably not even known to the man himself.'
It is expected that some Australian, somewhere, will give a shit sometime soon, when the weather changes.
A Diageo Ireland spokesman refused to be drawn into the debate, before being drawn into the debate. He suggested that the "Grimes Effect" - as referred to by the Australians - was a well known, documented and understood trend in Irish brewing and that there were certain measures in place to mitigate its impact. 'Here though' he said 'we don't call it the "Grimes Effect" - that's a little crude - we refer to the Grimes Pint Capacity measure, or GPC.'
'The noticeable and predictable drop off in GPC when Michael Grimes is out of the country is offset by opening more plastic Oirish pubs in other countries, typically concentrating on those countries Michael Grimes happens to be going to' he continued 'but obviously that's something we need to plan for years in advance. As a result of this, Michael Grimes' travel plans are subject to a lengthy and considered series of checks and approvals at the highest level of Ericssons and of government, most of which are probably not even known to the man himself.'
It is expected that some Australian, somewhere, will give a shit sometime soon, when the weather changes.
Cambodia beach life
Cambodia leaves you speechless. From the incomprehensible scale and beauty of Angkor to the depths of human evil that was the Khmer Rouge. They have a free press here, but they also effectively have a one-party parliament. The truth and reconciliation tribunals are slow because they implicate many of the people currently in power. Perhaps tellingly, local events from '75 - '79 have been removed from the school history books.
At the beach now. Couple of relaxing days, then diving for a couple of days before packing in this country for now. You never like to think you'll never be back to a place, but with here i'm not so sure...
At the beach now. Couple of relaxing days, then diving for a couple of days before packing in this country for now. You never like to think you'll never be back to a place, but with here i'm not so sure...
Laos
Laos is a country that poses many questions... Who owns the chickens? Why do so many houses without running water or front doors or visible electricity supplies have satellite dishes? Why have no Americans been indicted for war crimes for what happened in South East Asia in the '60s and '70s? What sick fucking excuse for a human being invented the cluster bomb? Is murder of a bongo-playing hippy (who provides a soundtrack to his own liver-meltingly dull monologue) an act of mercy for me or for him? What do the real bed sleeper buses do during the day? Why is it cold?
The place is amazing, the people are great, the food stings like carpet rash on your inner thigh. Time to move on though. Cambodia now, 3 days about to be spent traipsing around Angkor Wat and associated temples.
carry on.
The place is amazing, the people are great, the food stings like carpet rash on your inner thigh. Time to move on though. Cambodia now, 3 days about to be spent traipsing around Angkor Wat and associated temples.
carry on.
Gloomy Forecast
Trouble in the brewing sector today as a massive unexpected downturn in sales led to record losses for the quarter to the end of December. Analysts at the Cooper's Brewery in Adelaide believe they may have isolated the cause that could result in job losses in most major breweries.
"We believe the entire problem can be put down to one incident, namely, the removal of Michael Grimes from Australia late last year" said Ulick Lumpnut, CFO. The 'Grimes Factor' - as some observers have taken to calling it - has wreaked havoc on the industry, and has led to some calls to have Michael Grimes brought back to Australia immediately.
Cooper's have already started to investigate how the problem can be addressed. "We are looking at mitigation strategies" CEO Tim Cooper was reported as saying, "specifically that in the event that we are unable to bring back this Michael Grimes, we need to know who else can have the same effect. Our experts think that from a pure consumption perspective, we may be able to match a Michael Grimes to - say - 2 McGarrys and the 1999 All Blacks" he said, giving the problem some weighty perspective. "We are also looking at cloning Liz Ellis" he added.
Immigration Minister Chris Evans gave the government view. "If it's just a question of bodies then we could import some desirables from a safe western country like Switzerland to counteract this Grimes Factor" he said. Cooper's spokeswoman Honor McGee was dismayed at the government reaction saying "our scientists put the conversion rate at about 48 million Swiss to 1 Michael Grimes. Putting aside the logistics of where to put them, not to mention the water shortage problem this country has, there just - thankfully - aren't that many Swiss people on the planet."
"We believe the entire problem can be put down to one incident, namely, the removal of Michael Grimes from Australia late last year" said Ulick Lumpnut, CFO. The 'Grimes Factor' - as some observers have taken to calling it - has wreaked havoc on the industry, and has led to some calls to have Michael Grimes brought back to Australia immediately.
Cooper's have already started to investigate how the problem can be addressed. "We are looking at mitigation strategies" CEO Tim Cooper was reported as saying, "specifically that in the event that we are unable to bring back this Michael Grimes, we need to know who else can have the same effect. Our experts think that from a pure consumption perspective, we may be able to match a Michael Grimes to - say - 2 McGarrys and the 1999 All Blacks" he said, giving the problem some weighty perspective. "We are also looking at cloning Liz Ellis" he added.
Immigration Minister Chris Evans gave the government view. "If it's just a question of bodies then we could import some desirables from a safe western country like Switzerland to counteract this Grimes Factor" he said. Cooper's spokeswoman Honor McGee was dismayed at the government reaction saying "our scientists put the conversion rate at about 48 million Swiss to 1 Michael Grimes. Putting aside the logistics of where to put them, not to mention the water shortage problem this country has, there just - thankfully - aren't that many Swiss people on the planet."
Diving
4 and a half days on a dive boat... nice. Some photos on the left. No whale sharks - goddam them the fat fkers - but plenty of manta rays, turtles and fish. On a boat with some fat germans taking a break from molesting thai school children to molest some thai marine wildlife instead. Bless. Also one Swiss guy who turned out to be quite sound... maybe i've been too harsh on the cheese-clock making nazi-gold harbouring yodelers.
As you were.
As you were.
Pee Pee
So it's younger... but it's not any less Scandinavianer... which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Spent a couple of days wandering around the island putting dents in the Singha supply. Very few hotel rooms left when i arrived, so i ended up half way up the mountain in a place called "Snow With Resort". I'm pretty confident the last time the place saw snow was at least 2 ice-ages ago, and "resort" is stretching the definition of the word a smidge. It might be no coincidence that some of the actual resorts on the island have started calling themselves "experiences", like the "Phi Phi Village Experience (yours for 48,ooo bhat)", that sort of thing. The trickle down effect means that the massage parlours have to come up with something to rebrand now that "Traditional Thai Experience" is a non-starter. Spent last night at my "Resort" watching Thailand's equivalent of D'unbelievables. Basically the current - deserved - Ms. Thailand on a stage fresh from the Fast Show with anything from 4 to 12 ladyboys screaming at her, the audience and each other. I didn't get it. Must be the heat.
Still, it's a nice island if you are honey-mooning - which i'm not - and the lack of cars would make for a peaceful night's sleep if they could get rid of all the cats, roosters and go-go bars. Confucius probably said something like On Island With No Cars, Man With Vespa Have Many Friends, or maybe Man With Vespa Struggle To Find Petrol Station, or Man With Vespa Have It Stolen On A Regular Basis, or something like that.
Back in Phuket now... on a dive boat tomorrow. I might start taking some photos then.
as you were.
Still, it's a nice island if you are honey-mooning - which i'm not - and the lack of cars would make for a peaceful night's sleep if they could get rid of all the cats, roosters and go-go bars. Confucius probably said something like On Island With No Cars, Man With Vespa Have Many Friends, or maybe Man With Vespa Struggle To Find Petrol Station, or Man With Vespa Have It Stolen On A Regular Basis, or something like that.
Back in Phuket now... on a dive boat tomorrow. I might start taking some photos then.
as you were.
Ooooorrssseeeee
One of these days i'll spend 6 weeks in a row in Melbourne and that'll shock people. For now though, South East Asia it is. I have to admit to loving the sensory facial fish-slap you get when you arrive in Asia. Mind you, parts of Phuket are about as Asian as Roscommon, so tomorrow i'm off to to pastures younger and less peopled with scandinavian retirees and german sex tourists: Phi Phi. For now though i'm off to the pool to enjoy my "complete mantory phuket styl cocktail pineapple cocktail" - according to the voucher. Man it's tough...
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