Trouble in the brewing sector today as a massive unexpected downturn in sales led to record losses for the quarter to the end of December. Analysts at the Cooper's Brewery in Adelaide believe they may have isolated the cause that could result in job losses in most major breweries.
"We believe the entire problem can be put down to one incident, namely, the removal of Michael Grimes from Australia late last year" said Ulick Lumpnut, CFO. The 'Grimes Factor' - as some observers have taken to calling it - has wreaked havoc on the industry, and has led to some calls to have Michael Grimes brought back to Australia immediately.
Cooper's have already started to investigate how the problem can be addressed. "We are looking at mitigation strategies" CEO Tim Cooper was reported as saying, "specifically that in the event that we are unable to bring back this Michael Grimes, we need to know who else can have the same effect. Our experts think that from a pure consumption perspective, we may be able to match a Michael Grimes to - say - 2 McGarrys and the 1999 All Blacks" he said, giving the problem some weighty perspective. "We are also looking at cloning Liz Ellis" he added.
Immigration Minister Chris Evans gave the government view. "If it's just a question of bodies then we could import some desirables from a safe western country like Switzerland to counteract this Grimes Factor" he said. Cooper's spokeswoman Honor McGee was dismayed at the government reaction saying "our scientists put the conversion rate at about 48 million Swiss to 1 Michael Grimes. Putting aside the logistics of where to put them, not to mention the water shortage problem this country has, there just - thankfully - aren't that many Swiss people on the planet."